I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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