hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
