Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
