The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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