According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
