I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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