I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
