it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
