i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
