I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Michael Bay diarrhea
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
