instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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