I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You are a genius and a whore.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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