So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
