I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize