You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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