Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
