I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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