I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
