You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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