I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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