Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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