I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
