Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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