My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
