I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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