WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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