My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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