I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize