if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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