I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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