I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
