Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
