He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
