don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's rum buckets o'clock
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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