toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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