ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
