Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
