I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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