do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
