I accidentally burped into my bong.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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