I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
