This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
