Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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