Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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