so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
