he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
