Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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