Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
