we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
