I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
