Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I wish you could order shots online.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
