I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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