If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize