i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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