i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
