I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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