hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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