Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
